Thursday, 9 May 2013

An Introduction

OK, before I proceed I should make something clear. I suffer from social anxiety, hugely. To the point that instead of being able to think up a witty or entertaining way to start this blog I'm only just able to bring myself to type words that make actual sense. I'm literally shaking, sweating and fighting back the urge to vomit. 

At this point you may well wonder why the hell I am bothering then. Given that I have a huge fear of being disliked, hated and (worst of all) judged, why put myself out there on the internet? Because I think it's important to do so. There are issues I care deeply about and I think I have some worthwhile things to say about them. There are blogs that other people write which have had an enormously positive impact on my life, or which have given me access to perspectives I'd never come across otherwise. Which is awesome. 

So, I want to do that. I want to write something which makes someone feel better, or helps increase their understanding and empathy. Or helps someone in some way. So, despite the terror I'm going to give this a go.

Next up, why the name? Well, I have suffered from a number of mental health disorders in my time: Bulimia; Anorexia; ED:NOS; OCD; Anxiety, Depression and Body Dysmorphic Disorder being the biggies. Back in my teens I started to think of my eating disorders as 'the lying disease' because that's what they needed to exist - lies. Not only the lies I told other people to avoid eating or hide my fluctuation weight but also the disease itself was based on a lie - that if I was thinner things would somehow be better. That I would be better. Over time I realised the same was often true with my other disorders. Nothing bad would happen if I didn't engage in my light switch ritual at night. My family weren't pretending to love me. The entire world wasn't made up Truman Show style just to mess with my head. My life could get better. Suicide wasn't the only or best solution. I wasn't happy, even though I told everyone I was. I wasn't cold, I was wearing long sleeves to hide the fresh cuts on my arms. 

So, yeah. The lying disease is how I think of all my mental health issues together. The holistic approach if you will. Which is another reason for writing this blog. To start telling the truth about living with this every day. 

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