Tuesday, 14 May 2013

When I was skinny...

I once passed out five times in a week. I felt dizzy all the time. I ached all the time. I was frequently sick, even the thought of food made me nauseous. Hunger made me feel nauseous too, so that was basically a lose lose situation right there. I didn't sleep for days at a time, then I'd sleep a whole weekend away. My teeth hurt. My stomach hurt all the time, which I kind of liked as it reminded me to hold it in at all times. I self harmed on an almost daily basis. I smoked too much, drank too much and took too many diet pills.I spent hours every day putting on make-up, doing my hair and changing my clothes. I spent hours every night doing the same thing. I had seizures caused by low blood sugar and electrolyte imbalances. My chest ached and there were often times I struggled to breathe. I ran late every night and early every morning. I did star jumps and burpies and sit ups. Hundreds of each every day.

Then there were the times I couldn't resist food. The times I spent all my money on cigarettes, fizzy drinks and junk food. So much junk food. Then I ate it, all of it. Too quickly to really taste it, certainly too fast to enjoy it. I ate until I felt like I was going to burst, then ate some more. I ate until I hurt too much to fit anything else inside me. Then I made myself sick. I didn't even need to stick my fingers down my throat. Then back to the food. Rinse and repeat until all the food was gone.

All these memories aren't happy. I wasn't happy. I was miserable.

So can anybody tell me why some days, I miss being anorexic. :(

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